Congressional Jewish Caucus Declares War on Jelly Rings: Passover Just Got Less Sweet

By Jel E. Ring

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that has left the nation both bewildered and bemused, Congress has passed the "Passover Confection Reform Act," effectively banning the iconic jelly rings from Seder tables across America. The bipartisan bill, introduced by the Congressional Jewish Caucus, has sparked a cultural and culinary uproar.

Rabbi Shlomo Geltman, a vocal critic of the legislation, fumed, "This is an attack on our traditions! Jelly rings are not just candy; they are a sacred rite of passage. Without them, how will we endure the four-hour Seder and Uncle Morty's endless retelling of the Exodus?"

But health professionals are singing a different tune. Dr. Miriam Bitterman, a dentist and self-proclaimed "enemy of enamel erosion," praised the ban. "Jelly rings are sugar grenades. They’re a direct flight to cavities and diabetes. This law is a mitzvah for public health."

The debate has spilled into the streets, with protesters chanting, "Let my jelly rings go!" outside kosher supermarkets. Meanwhile, underground jelly ring markets have emerged, with black-market boxes being smuggled in matzo shipments.

Supporters of the ban argue it’s a step toward healthier Passover celebrations. "We’re not banning tradition," said Senator Moishe Mandelbaum, a co-sponsor of the bill. "We’re just asking people to celebrate without spiking their blood sugar."

As the nation grapples with this sticky situation, one thing is clear: the jelly ring may be gone, but its legacy will linger—much like the crumbs of matzo on your couch.

*This article is intended as a satire